I suppose the source of my perturbed spirit is that I am still in this awkward stage where I have not taken on the full responsibility for my own life. Fear still clutches me, whispering that I may not be strong enough, not qualified enough to take on the responsibility that barrels towards me like a freight train. More brain-scattering is that at this period in my life time has chosen to move at a sluggish pace. I am aware in time's normal progression, but my reactions are limited to the same rate relative to which the inexorable behemoth's approach. I can see the coming collision but can do nothing to throw myself aside. My only hope is to find some way to brave the impact, to ride on it and conquer it and make it my steed.
Indeed, too many men cannot see the weight of their responsibility as at the very least a catapult into their goals. All things may be means to an end. I for one believe in manipulating the means so that they match the end. If this means changing a "necessary" killing into the kind reconciliation found almost exclusively in fantasies, then so be it. The ideals of fantasy are not outside my reach. I am strengthened by the King of the Universe. With His strength I might become something entirely different from this meandering child I have been. He will make me a paladin.
Let me elucidate. I'm not talking shining armor. I'm talking the Grey-clad, the guy willing to debate even-handedly with the best in the nation wearing blue jeans and a grease-stained shirt. One who dares to understand, to look at the horrors no one else will and do something about it. Oh, the justice and the mercy. . . . I'm afraid of that man. But that's who He wants me to be, and that's who I will become.
But how to get there? No idea. Not getting many answers from the Big Man either. That's well. The biggest thing to learn is trust. Best way to learn it is to know He's there.
And go through the trials.
Here I go.
