Thought Lives Are Weird

So lately my brain had been confused about whether I am considering becoming an atheist. I say this because in the last few weeks I have found myself debating the points in my head why it would be a bad idea for everyone else were I to make that decision, without an easily discernible source.

You see, I am quite happy believing in my all-powerful, all-good, loving Creator who saved me by dying as a man and coming back to life. I am convinced that everything good in my life has come from Him, that all my problems are a result of the sins of humanity (primarily my own), and that He is the solution.

Yet I find myself thinking about nihilism. I think about what the world would seem to me if God did not exist, and basically it all looks like ashes to me without Him.

Now, I am going through a real crisis of sorts, trying to find my feet in a flood of friends and peers throwing their support behind homosexuality (and the topic of marriage especially). A year ago I knew what to think, but what complicates it is first, the number of people, including close friends, who are altering or tweaking their stance, and second, the compelling arguments made by such folks.

But I don't really believe that either stance on homosexuality is going to keep someone from heaven. Its just that I am beginning to feel singled out and I don't know if I should welcome it or reevaluate my own convictions more fully than these checks my system keeps seeming to run without me. Either way this isn't making me doubt the existence of God.

If anything, that would be my friends. I have one or two friends who are wrestling and angry with my Loving Savior, and perhaps my mind is trying to place itself in their shoes to try and understand where they're coming from. The problem is for me the existence of God is axiomatic, that is, so intrinsic to my understanding of the universe that without Him nothing means anything. I have a line of reasoning to back this up, rooted in philosophy, and maybe there'll be a blog post on that.

But when I'm thinking about these things I am not intentionally trying to put myself in another's shoes. I seem to be deciding on that subconsciously and skipping to the part where I have strong emotional responses to trying to imagine a universe without its source of meaning. It's not even helpful for these friends because my response sort of devolves into "disbelieving God is stupid for reasons I find hard to articulate because I emotions and there are a lot of reasons."

Couple this with my general dissatisfaction with grunt working life, the pittance of writing I am doing, finances, and sundry, and you have another part of my brain observing the part that's having emotional reactions and asking the general overseer if I'm okay. To which I respond:
"Nope, not really."

At least I don't ask myself if I want to talk about it. Instead I start composing a blog post in my head.

Or in this case actually writing one.

This has been a peek at my brain. Sorry if it scarred you. And don't worry about me, I'm as okay ever.